The start of my twenties!

Fucking stress sia. Just quarrel and flare my temper cos my dad is being v demanding and unreasonable. i stop him cos i dun like ppl to hit themselves. whether or not if its the temple of God, Tts not the way to treat our body.

Anyw, i feel super god damn sian... cos i think only my class need to come back so many days when everyone is enjoying their yog break. Being optimistic. i think its so much better than coming to school everyday listening to the chanting of the teachers. So YOG break is a great time for us to study a little at home. A pity i dun hv the time.

MYOB is v stressful. so many things we still dun understand. And last week's printout i still haveny finish. nobody know how to teach me the steps to do. KNN. die lo. cos its graded. if not graded i already bo chap le.

tmw myob 9-12 again, 130 advance accounting. then after that go study awhile. at home really cant study. internet tv bed. omg so much distraction.

wed will be a day of meeting ppl. afternoon meet jasmine collect contact lenses, at night meeting nadiah to pass her the contacts hahhas. There's something special abt my 2 v good friends, agnes and xiuyin. both say meet this week and both say wed or thurs. so lets see when i'm meeting them hahhas.

I feel that my friends around me might think i may be v fierce to a few ppl. but sometimes so many secrets in me, i cant tell them the reason why i treat them like this. i got a reasonable reason for treating them badly. Cos i live my life with a few principle. I just cant stand liars, backstabbers, and ppl tt love to create a fantasy of their life being GREAT and ppl's life like KNS! seriously. u can joke but not to the extreme. cos we're all human we have our emotional and mental side tt each of us need to take note. I think some of my friends is being v selfish. i tell my sister how i could not stand some ppl. and she tell me then why did i buy things from my trip since they treat me badly. cos there are ppl who treat me v nice. My sister says, if she was me, she wouldnt even go out with the ppl she doesnt like. actually., kinda true cos when we go out, all of us wan to have fun. maybe i am a serious type. nobody likes to go out with me. i love being at home, i think its the best. love shopping along swimming alone. hahahas. but some fun shld have more ppl to be around.  i think after sept, i will delete some ppl off my contacts. hahahas dun wish to receive any sms from all the ppl anymore! =D Anyw, also lazy to explain to ppl why i treat them badly. Just let ppl misunderstand me lo. anyw, if the person's  character have a problem i believe just 1 year you're able to tell... dun need ppl to badmouth of gossip abt u

This morning, there is a problem with the maid and my dad again..

i wont be around for the next few days. and my dad is worried. i dun know what he is worried abt. but what i guess is he is worried on how to live with the maid for the next few days. i saw my dad's eye with tears. really streaming down. i also guess he miss us. i hope the 4 days will faster over. God if you still care, and still take care of me. can u please take care of my family? i have nothing as a 20yr old person. but all i have is my family. when i was serving, i always pray even thou i serve u, i wan to see my parent and sisters to come back to u. all i wan to see is they will be healthy and happy. i dun know how to return to u. cos i find tt i'm not worthy. not worthy of ur love. on the other side of me, God, i am angry with u. cos i dun know why this year sucks alot for my dad. why a 60 yr old man and he have to go thru so much? so many ppl dun understand and yet preached to me abt ur goodness,. i dun wan to hear, i wan to see it for myself. this 3 mths hasnt been a easy mth for my dad and my family. we were under alot of stress. But thank goodness its almost over. for now, my heart and my belief is still not adjusted correctly. too many question for me to return. but yet i'm happy to have a few ppl tt cares for me. i hope one day i will fix my heart right and come back.

My father went for a check up on his blood cancer on the 4/08/2010. The doctor told us that they made a mistake on the medication dosage. Initially my father white blood cell and red blood cells is too high. for ppl with too high and too low it will be cancerous. now the problem is too low cos the dosage given was wrong. for normal ppl we shld have 4.40- 5.70 but my dad only have 1.87. its consider as a v critical and risking his life. I am v upset and i got angry with God for placing such a situation on my dad. i dont understand. maybe i dun need to understand. but i hope the ppl around will understand me. maybe some ppl scare of asking but i will update them cos i wan them to know. i got a few ppl i wanna thank God for and i wanna complain one person which i totally dislike how she handle the problem.

Shld i start with the not so good one or the good one?!

I shall start with a good one. I'm v blessed to have a mbr like naijie. all along i know him as a v quiet person. i nv know that he would msg me to encourage me. He msg me to tell me that he can see that i am feeling quite down this few days at fb. from the status i posted. and ask how am i. all those words in a short sms touches me. when i tell him about my father situation. He tell me he will help to fast to pray for my dad. and told me that thats what he can do. not many ppl will step out to fast for a mbr's relative. i really thank God for a mbr like him. thru his acts i feel God's love and that i now believe God still cares.

Next i wanna thank God for Sinyi. a schoolmate of mine. i know alot of ppl. my fb have 500 friends but some they dun care. Sinyi thou she may not know how to console me but she is true in her heart. she dont know how to console but she tell me. unlike others they act blur. lols. i like the true side of her. and i am v touched cos whenever i tell her my problems my feelings, she will listen. God i thank God for a friend like her.

Next i wanna thank God for a pastor. Pastor Eileen. her FB have 2000 friends and yet when i posted something in my fb she commented and she said something nice to encourage me. I'm glad cos i got notice by her! Thank You Abba!

Now, its to complain a friend of mine. shall not name her since its not a good thing

i told her abt my dad's problem and how i dislike God now. cos i was lost and confuse. i dun know why God allow such things to happen. She start to tell me that her mbr's father/mother pass away recently but the mbr nv hate God. lols. tts something negative that i dun wish to hear. next maybe she is angry with me. she tell me she is stress from work and alot of things happen to her too. lols which i also not interested to know since all my mind is worry abt my dad. i dun have any feeling to worry abt ur problem...

i dun know if u all understand. from the day my  dad was hospitalised. my dad couldnt eat or drink for a few days. cos stroke patient they need a speech therapist to guide them on how to eat and drink. every liquid my dad consume need to add a thickener so that water dun go in to his lungs. when he was not allowed to eat and drink his throat was dry. and he told me that he is feeling terrible and we dun understand him. i felt helpless cos i couldnt do anything for him. when he had his blood pressure done, the machine would press his arms so tight he would shout and move his arms violently. when the doctors wan to get a blood test at his bone morrow to test if my dad have blood cancer. i saw 15 doctors and nurses around my dad's bed to get the blood sample from him. Bone marrow is a part which is very painful yet my dad went thru it. when he was transferred to amk rehab he have to do excerise everyday. my father need to learn like a baby. learn how to eat how to drink how to eat how to change himself. My father will power is there cos he wants to recover. when he is home, everyone learn how to take care of him. when we wheel him to the toliet he would urine out and need to clean up for him. every night when he needs to go pee, he would pee on the floor on his bed and we all need to clean and change the mattress cover. stroke patients will have lost his ability for accuracy. so we all need to tell him. He need to consume abt 9 types of medicines everyday. When he is lying on his bed at home, even a cup of water a tissue he is not able to take himself. he needs our help. how many ppl can go thru all these? and the stupid doctor gave wrong medicine. now he needs to go thru blood transfusion. my dad have less than 10 yrs to live. we all wan to enjoy the  10 years with him. and yet they are still risking his life

i think now singapore medical team have a problem. my close relative was pregnant and only 1 week before the delivery the baby died inside the stomach. all bcos of the nurse didnt take notice when the scan shows the cord on the baby's neck. my mum told me her friend have kidney problem. did dialysis for 12 yrs and recently they have a operation on him to put in healthy kidney so that he dun need to go for dialysis. However the uncle need to go thru 2 operation. put in already then they realise that the kidney is spoil one. and they need to operate again to take out. lols. its a human life a  human body. they thought its a game?! put in and out as they like it?! i really wish that there will be no more such thing. i once wanted to be a nurse but i see the responsibility is too much so i think better not.. i dun wan to risk ppl's life. and upset the family mbrs. i hope father's blood transfusion will be okay on tuesday.

WOW! Once again, its been sometime i last update my blog... just a short one today...

Suddenly when i was working today. i feel fat. I feel really sad and i wanna lose weight. so i plan a strict schedule.. actually not really strict.

For the next maybe say , 2 months...

1) no more tea, sweet drinks for me. Only PLAIN water!

2) Everyday jogging min 30 min -1 hr

3)Monday wednesday and friday only salad for dinner

4) week 2 and 4 of the month is vegeterian for me

5) If no homecooked food. ONLY SUBWAY. EAT FRESH!~

6) Morning drink MILO only milo for breakfast is allowed and bread!

I dun know if it works. but for 2 mths i target to lose 5 kg?! i dun know if i can, but if i dun i think i will suffer depression. =( 

I'm kinda excited for the last few months of the year...

AUG- I'm taking a break from work. so tt i have more time to cope in my studies... However its not going to be boring. Instead i'm excited...

a group of my classmates was selected for a moscot thing. So kinda look forward for next friday.. hope everything turn out goood! =DDD

Aug i have a secret mission which some of my close friends know...

i have 2 weeks break from school which i can go out with my friends and start to do something i never do b4. eg, ice skating

AND most imptly i can start doing my revision. going back school one day to practice our MYOB...

Sept- I'll be returning back to work. hopefully i will have more slots on weekdays where i have my holiday break.

Something i look forward is that my boss says she has something interesting to discuss with me. i wonder what is it..

sept will be a mth more on earning more $$ and celebrating the end of 1st sem for year 2!

Oct- everything will be the same. working and studying. but what i am excited is... a new time table for the next 6 mths of year 2! GOD I PRAY IT WILL BE GOOD. Learning a new accounting software call FACT! I've learned PEGUSUS from my attachment, MYOB from my elective and now we're gonna learn FACT! woooo!

Of cos not to forget, its my BFF bday! =p 2 OCT!

Nov- shld be preparing for exams and Dec shld be exams cum holiday plus earn more $$$$!!!

Then very fast to march and then apr! then its GRADUATION!~

SURE will miss school. however i got my plan ready liao....

LASTLY, tmw is CHC 21ST ANNIVERSARY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHURCH, and thank You God for everything that you've done for all of us! Its a amazing 21 years! and i truly always love being in ur pressence. Have been in church for 14 years! from children church till now. thou tis year wasnt a good year for me. or even a time like this now. i know you're with me and thank you for sending so many ppl to care and love me. National day is coming... God i thank you for bringing me into this country. I love my country cos it gives me a sense of sercurity and belonging. I thank God for my parents, for giving me my looks for providing me a great place to stay and provide me with education. God, in everything i am Thankful!

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Right now, i'm just thinking...

Why of all sicknesses, it must be cancer? Is it pre-destined? Thankfully, its the beginning stage. I am really grateful to the ppl tt constantly ask abt my father and cares abt my family. Especially those tt personally msg called and helped me.

Some ppl tt i would like to highlight is, Pst Eileen. I send a Fb msg to a few ppl. And Pst Eileen is one of them tt actually replied and encouraged me. Those words will be in my mind. The love i am showered with touches my heart deeply. Thanks Pst!

I wan to thank ppl like serene, liting, especially marcus tt calls me once he saw the msg. I am grately bless with all the ppl standing by me. So often when ppl tells me they will be there when i need them. saying they are just a call away. but when things happen a msg to me is like fulfiling their caring duty.  Just sent once and no longer cares for the person anymore. Maybe different ppl have a different way of caring? Or am i just finding a excuse for them? Anyw, this teaches me shows me the principle to what i learn in church. Pst once preached and said that ppl dont care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Think abt tt for a moment! =D

Lastly i wan to thank the ppl ard my family. We need a walking stick , God you really provide. My sister's colleague actually gave us a walking stick. We need a wheelchair, and chcsa is able to provide us with a brand new one. God has been a great God tt truly provides. i wan to thank Sabrina for helping me to ask around for the wheelchair. Thanks to irene from dialect church tt helps us to have a wheelchair for my father. Its a great blessing to have great ppl with us. One day, i will bring my dad to church. He will experience the love all of you have showered for all of us all these while. And the love of God too.

I wan to thank God for all the good things. I was nearly not able to go for attachment due to my family situation. After talking to my class advisor, i had a chance to go for a attachment. I told my class advisor if its at Jurong i wont mind cos i really wan it badly.. Thankfully she found one at changi. Due to the tight sercurity. when i tried the route the other day i wasnt able to get to that place. and it makes me worry as i'm afraid i'm not able to find that place on the first day. I called the company yesterday to inform the start of my attachement, casually, asked her how to get there and she said, there is a company transport. The email she sent me shows tt i actually had a company bus at sengkang area. which is so great news for me. i just have to take one bus to change to company bus. God is Good! Indeed He is great He once again provide for me. Just like the wheelchair! I thought it was a bad idea taking up this attachment, blaming myself for making such harsh decision. Because, the 1st week of my attachment will be a days when my father will be discharged on sat 19 for a trial to test if we know how to take care of him. and if he find the place suitable.. 2nd week will be the official discharged. However, i thank God cos the company also has transport to amk where my father's hosipital is. After work,. i could still visit my dad. i really love the arrangement. God, Thank You once again... For showering your love, providing and sending ppl to love all of us. like what pst meng says, God doesnt have any grandchildren. We are all His child! God dont create cancer, He create Healing! Miracles will happen! And i know God is doing a work in the church, in my family and my leaders. I really miss the tweets tt i always read in fb. I'm still praying and praying for grace, mercy breakthrough!~ God is WITH US!

Watching you getting slimmer day by day makes me feel so upset..

i could feel your bones when i help you clean up.

If you continue to ask for cigarettes, or beer. i can do nth.

cos end of the day, its ur health, ur life.

allowing you to have those things wont give me any benefit

i really hope u will understand that i meant well for you.

I just had a dream, and i hope it wont come to past. i dream that u are suddenly very weak in ur body. panting and trying to catch your last breath.

I'm scare but yet calm..

I know life there is death. Its only the matter of time. In that dream, it appears like you're gonna leave me alone

I want to spend the next 10 yrs with you well.

I have very few impression of u in my memory

Cos all your life, you've been working so hard for this family. everyone makes mistakes. I have forgiven and forgotten what u've done. I just hope tt everything is a dream. U once told me ur wish for us is to be a lawyer and a doctor. you love driving so much, but ur directions is not good. I rmb the days when u bring me to the beach with the red car. u even brought $10 worth of lollipops for me. when we are so poor. You're a loyal friend. You come out work at the age of 12. supporting ur sisters and brothers to school that they are now working in offices and you a hawker. All your life, you've been working so hard. And now, you're so young. And you have to enjoy ur life this way. i love you very much.and i dun wish to see anything happen to you.. I dun wish to live anymore if i know anything will happen to you. You must be strong. u must faster recover. i wan to earn money to bring u travel with the family. I dun feel like studying or wworking anymore. God, if i can give 30 years of my life in exchange for my father's health i could. God at least, let me help my father. i wan to donate my bone marrow to him. why the doctor don't allow? God, i know u dun wan anyone of us suffer. but if i suffer or my life need to be taken away i dun mind giving my life away to save my father. Let me be strong and not let my father sense that sth is wrong. Let me not cry infront of my dad. Help me to control my emotion.

My Father is very STRONG! Despite of having a swell in the brain half as huge.. my father was still able to talk and joke with us..

On friday i went to see my dad, and my sister suddenly called me and tell me that she is taking a half day leave as she doesnt have the mood to work any more.. cos my dad's brain scan report is out and the doctor actually called my sister to explain.. My Father's swell is still swelling at that time.. And it was a very serious problem.. Thank God thru fasting believing and praying. On saturday, my father's fever is gone! I'm really very grateful to people that visit my dad. My family all went there, my grandma, all my aunties and uncles and some of my cousins too. My cgl sabrina and mbrs rebecca and mingyang.

On monday, just yesterday, i went to visit my dad.. my sister found a book on exercise. so i guess we will be helping my dad do exercise so that at least when we go we make use of ourselves. we were perspiring when we are doing cos my father's leg and hands is really heavy, He couldnt really control them. End up, i guess my sister and i did our exercise. hahahs. The doctor came and ask how was my father feeling.. my father immediately tell the doctor he is not feeling good. His meaning was he wants to be discharged.. Because the doctor is a indian doctor my sister quickly tell my father to say the real thing or else he cant go home.. i guess things really improve when he is not having fever.. I'm Glad. really. The doctor says that my father's condition is stablised. in abt 1-2 days or so. He will go for the bone marrow test. which is gonna be very painful. but its to test any blood disorder in my father's blood. I pray sincerely no blood disorder to be found there. God, please help me. You can make miracles happen!

Currently, i feel that God is playing a joke on me.

The last time i bring my dad for check up, the doctor said that my dad's condition improved. and i even shared testimony to give glory to Him. And  things happen. Its not tt i no longer trust God. Instead, i trust and hold on to God even tighter! i just find that its like a joke for me, cos its like this moment i thank God for good report,. next moment things turn around so quickly!

I rmb telling my freind that its difficult to balance life. At that time i wanted to call up my dad and see how was he and go look for him for some catch ups. Being always so busy, i forgotten abt it. i feel very remorseful and depress. Cos this time it was a serious one. i no longer can see my dad behaving normal again. My heart feel very sour. i feel really regretful. Why when ONLY things happen, then ppl start to care. i'm one of them. I very much wan to see my dad being angry. but now, he couldnt take care of himself. He gets frustrated when we cant give him water to drink. He gets irritated when he cant move his body on his own. He even tries to ask us for money so tt he can take cab home.

Friends, let me tell u something.. sometimes, when ur mum or dad grumble or nag at you. Dont feel annoyed. many wont understand how i am feeling. seeing my dad lying on the bed, not able to eat or drink on his own makes me feel so so so upset. Count your blessing. so what when ur parents calls u stupid? so what when they beat you up?SO WHAT?! How would you feel when u see ur kin in the hospital? I'm pretty worried. Cos not everything is finalize. and when my dad is back, he will need help to have ppl to feed him, help him to go washroom, and daily activities. This is my side tt i'm worried. how abt.. my dad's emotional side? Can he take the blow that he no longer can function his body on his own again? Many areas that we all need to put our considerations on. I thank God i'm the 4th child. Cos i am like a baby. i kept crying. even at my dad's bedside, i would cry but i cant let my dad see it. My dearv friends, pls pray for me and my family especially my dad. Let us all be strong and go thru these together. No more arguements. i'm crying so much that my head is so painful! God, i'm still trusting you for a miracle and healing power. God i know that You're here with us!~

tts all for today. I'm really tired. tmw gonna go school.